No sex please, we’re American

I was doing some research today on the rate of teenage pregnancy in the good ol’ US of A and ended up with a rather interesting website. The site, 4parents.gov, was recently published by the current administration in the hope of encouraging bashful parents to talk to their teens about sex and encourage “healthy behaviors”. All well and good so far; it’s only when you start reading the site in more depth that it gets more interesting.

In the section of the site that suggests ways in which parents can start a conversation with their teen about sexual health:

I heard a commercial on the radio about always being prepared by having condoms.
Do you or your friends think that condoms really make sex safe?

Other sections of the site include these pearls of wisdom:

The only sure way to avoid STDs is to wait until marriage to have sex, choose a partner who has also waited or who is uninfected and share a faithful life together.

Your teen son or daughter needs to know why you don't want them to have sex now. Tell them why waiting for sex until they are married is the healthiest choice.

Be sure to tell your teen that having multiple partners in their lifetime can be one of the biggest threats to their physical and emotional health. Tell them it's not too late to stop having sex, that it's never too late to make healthy choices.

I feel incredibly sorry for any teen who grows up exposed to this sort of rhetoric; not because the message itself is necessarily “wrong” (although I certainly wouldn’t advocate it) but simply because it’s a complete contradiction of the society these teens are growing up into. Modern America isn’t a seamless world of Girl Scouts, popped collars and eventual identikit picket-fenced house in the suburbs; it’s so much messier than that. Aren’t we supposed to prepare our children for the challenges they’re likely to face, rather than selling them fantasy world after fantasy world?

It worries me that people think a simple abstinence policy is enough to protect their children forever. I’ve seen the fairytale go sour too many times now; the 21 year old who needed counselling after her college sweetheart didn’t ask her to marry him even though (gasp!) they’d had sex, and she thought that meant they were soulmates; another who broke down in floods of tears after kissing someone for the first time at a house party crying “I feel so used! I'm such a whore!” – oh, and the feminist who refuses to use tampons because she thinks they will destroy her virginity. Nor are these the inhabitants of some sleepy Southern backwater; they're students at the number 1 small public university in the country.

I used to get annoyed at abstinence campaigns; I've seen so many now that all I'm left with is an abiding sense of sadness. It isn't fair to promise that perfect marriage and perfect family and picket fence, even though it may be at the heart of the American Dream. At some point, reality has to intrude - and when it does, isn't it best to be prepared?